Messy waves and some cold tea please…

My head hurts , I try to remove my scrunchie from my messy bun God it’s tangled bad! so bad that I think I might have to cut of a chunk of my hair to clear this up. I don’t remember the last time I combed my hair may be three days back or maybe last week , does it even matter now! A 2 minute shower feels like a luxury these days

I need to use the washroom but am prohibited. I don’t recollect having my meal on time or sipping my ususally favorite hot tea.”I Quit!” I can hear myself repeating this in my head again and again.All these changes creeped into my life as soon as my new boss entered my life 6 months back. My baby ,my beautiful little girl. As I see her howling in my arms,nothing I do comforts her.She just had a scrumptious meal, got her diaper cleaned for the 5th time.She has been in my arms the entire time, yet nothing seems to satisfy her.Every Attempt is rejected with a deep wail implying you can do better.I try to sooth her, sing a lullaby or make up a silly game which catches her eye for a while and finally she breaks into a slight smile. While we play this new game on the rotating chair, I curse the moment when I decided to turn on the left instead of right which was for some reason so amusing, and like a fire siren she is on again as if her merry world just collapsed .

Just then my husband comes and picks her up and voila! she is all cheerful as if she never ever cried! I tell my husband ” oh she hates me”. I am the one who birthed her yet she hates me ” My husband says,” you are being silly , why dont you finish your tea I will take care of her for a while”

“Thank you” I say and head towards my tea , too tired to reheat it, I end up sipping on the almost cold tea. It’s been exactly 3 minutes when I hear her wail again which automatically sets me out of my chair rushing to check what happened again. I reach the door and see two small arms out stretched towards me, pleading eyes begging me to pick her up. Secretly I am happy that she want’s me yet again!

I gently take her in my arms and within two minutes she goes all silent . At first I did not pay attention , but the silence grew too unbearable which instantly transformed into a scare to check if she’s alright and is breathing fine. I let out a sigh of relief and caress her face realizing that I am her safe haven.

As I look at her face a train of thoughts start running in my mind. She is 6 months old and I need to go back to work! Fear rising in my chest how am I going to train her to be away from me , how will she nap without me or even eat her meals .I know she plays with her nanny in my absence but her eyes keep searching for me , and the moment they spot me she goes hysterical only with the hope of being with me and she doesn’t care about anything. It is a difficult choice that I have to make . And I soon realise it’s not just her who is to be trained , I need to be trained too! I need to be trained to not look out for those cute cubby hands and try and hold them every five mins, I need to train to control myself and not run to put her down for your nap when the nanny fails. I need to stop going to her room and checking if you are smiling,happy and content .

Everyone advises about how the baby needs to be sleep trained, don’t let the separation anxiety set in, children will get used to it. Nobody spoke about the pain that a working mother faces in learning to let go , let go of things which may be small for others but huge for her like those soft sighs that the sleepy baby gives when a mother picks her up knowing she is in safe arms or the sudden necessity the child feels to touch her mother’s face or when the mother’s heart breaks on hearing the baby cry when she refuses to go to anyone but stay with the most important person.

Oh! it’s cruel to choose cause I need to set an example for you! i don’t want you to ever feel that a women needs to give up her career to raise her children cause if I do so, so you will do the same. You should know there is always an option and it varies from person to person and all of it is ok.There’s nothing right or wrong in choosing a baby over career or choosing to juggle between and try to get the best of both worlds. Both the mothers are trying hard and none of them had it easy. World needs to stop putting a mother over another, stop passing judgements that you do enough or not.

Know that you will always be enough for your child for they know nothing beyond you. Stop being soo harsh on yourself and enjoy the time spent in cuddling them. So here’s to embracing the messy buns and cold tea for this is a new colour to my personality and it is more than beautiful than any other! Let’s juggle!